writing about writing
Jun. 26th, 2023 01:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
circle_bircle (my w key is broken so sorry if there are any typos)
i dont know. like ive written a lot. obviously. but i'm just struggling writing as of rn. like my life is hectic and writing is my hobby but i realize how much of a NEET i am... like i have a job. that's good. i'm going to school in the fall. that's good. but i've just always felt behind in life. i guess i'm smart. my college gave me a placement test for english and i got placed in the hardest class they offer but i just don't know why i should bother because i don't like writing expository/argumentative essays and i'd rather just twiddle my silly little thumbs and write silly little fics. i'm not very good at talking to other people because i've always been ignored in the first place and like. i don't know, i've always been "that kid". even at work i was looking at the schedule and even the new person who joined the same day as me is on the online schedule but i'm not and it just feels kind of silly. like i'm an afterthought? even in school i was never much of a talker and i had like 2 friends and that's ok, you know? i'm just so nervous because i dont think i'll be able to afford what i need for college and because of my job i wont get a lot of financial aid next year. that is if i even make it through this year! i want to do something worthwhile but i just feel too stupid to do much of anything. all of my friends think of me as that one person who writes weird fic and plays video games and like. that's just all there is to my personality. i'm not anything interesting.
today i have to wake up at 10 to have an appointment with my "academic advisor" to choose my classes and then at 2 i have to go to work for a "mandatory meeting" where we're gonna learn how to check vitals. the thing is that we work in HEALTHCARE so we SHOULD KNOW THAT but we're getting paid for it so who fuckin cares. at least that will distract me!
ok now to write about my writing some more. i just feel like. i don't know. i haven't had any epiphanies over what i want to write. i've never been a "jot down my ideas" type of person, but i tried to jot down my ideas and now i'm looking at them it just feels blagh. like ok i can totally write this fic about a time loop but i don't want to because i wrote it and now i know how it's going to end. or this one doesn't have an ending yet but from this idea i can tell it's going to be boring. i want to write a fic for a friend but i just feel like he wouldn't appreciate it because i've just received lukewarm responses and like... he says he likes my writing but how much does he REALLY like it...? it's hard for me to do trades or anything because i feel like my writing is far less than anyone else's i know my fics are never going to be popular because it takes a miracle for that and the type of fics i write... aren't that. it's not a numbers game to me, i write for myself, but i just don't think i write enough things that interest other people as well (my subscribers waking up "oh... another reader-insert with this absolute nobody of a character...when is circle_bircle gonna write another kefka/reader fic" i want to write for other people but i don't think it's even anxiety writing for other people i just genuinely think nobody's interested. because im online and i see like this absolute beautiful write-up for a character and im like. Oh. my love is never gonna reach that point lol!! maybe it's because i'm bad at reading between the lines though but i'll never be the #1 fan of any of my favs
i want to write different things but i just can't make myself. like i've wanted to write about some of my favorite games for years now but i've never done it because every attempt i've had is bad (and i've had a LOT of attempts). and i want to stray away from reader-inserts for a while but i just feel like i've made that my brand and when i open up gdocs im like HOHO who can my reader insert oc smash faces with this time? but simultaneously i want to rewrite some of my older fics but they're too cringy I simply cannot! and now i can't think of anything i want to write bc i wrote something small and i was like. ok this sucks. and i've just been feeling demotivated. i don't kno but hat i do kno IS THAT MY DOUBLE U KEY BETTER START FUCKING ORKING SOMETIME SOON BECAUSE I'VE DONE EVERYTHING I CAN TO FIX IT AND IT'S STILL NOT ORKING UNLESS I SMASH IT AND PRESS DON HARD ENOUGH AND i just need a new computer. but those are expensive. hoping my first paycheck will be able to pay for a good one... maybe!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dont know. like ive written a lot. obviously. but i'm just struggling writing as of rn. like my life is hectic and writing is my hobby but i realize how much of a NEET i am... like i have a job. that's good. i'm going to school in the fall. that's good. but i've just always felt behind in life. i guess i'm smart. my college gave me a placement test for english and i got placed in the hardest class they offer but i just don't know why i should bother because i don't like writing expository/argumentative essays and i'd rather just twiddle my silly little thumbs and write silly little fics. i'm not very good at talking to other people because i've always been ignored in the first place and like. i don't know, i've always been "that kid". even at work i was looking at the schedule and even the new person who joined the same day as me is on the online schedule but i'm not and it just feels kind of silly. like i'm an afterthought? even in school i was never much of a talker and i had like 2 friends and that's ok, you know? i'm just so nervous because i dont think i'll be able to afford what i need for college and because of my job i wont get a lot of financial aid next year. that is if i even make it through this year! i want to do something worthwhile but i just feel too stupid to do much of anything. all of my friends think of me as that one person who writes weird fic and plays video games and like. that's just all there is to my personality. i'm not anything interesting.
today i have to wake up at 10 to have an appointment with my "academic advisor" to choose my classes and then at 2 i have to go to work for a "mandatory meeting" where we're gonna learn how to check vitals. the thing is that we work in HEALTHCARE so we SHOULD KNOW THAT but we're getting paid for it so who fuckin cares. at least that will distract me!
ok now to write about my writing some more. i just feel like. i don't know. i haven't had any epiphanies over what i want to write. i've never been a "jot down my ideas" type of person, but i tried to jot down my ideas and now i'm looking at them it just feels blagh. like ok i can totally write this fic about a time loop but i don't want to because i wrote it and now i know how it's going to end. or this one doesn't have an ending yet but from this idea i can tell it's going to be boring. i want to write a fic for a friend but i just feel like he wouldn't appreciate it because i've just received lukewarm responses and like... he says he likes my writing but how much does he REALLY like it...? it's hard for me to do trades or anything because i feel like my writing is far less than anyone else's i know my fics are never going to be popular because it takes a miracle for that and the type of fics i write... aren't that. it's not a numbers game to me, i write for myself, but i just don't think i write enough things that interest other people as well (my subscribers waking up "oh... another reader-insert with this absolute nobody of a character...
i want to write different things but i just can't make myself. like i've wanted to write about some of my favorite games for years now but i've never done it because every attempt i've had is bad (and i've had a LOT of attempts). and i want to stray away from reader-inserts for a while but i just feel like i've made that my brand and when i open up gdocs im like HOHO who can my reader insert oc smash faces with this time? but simultaneously i want to rewrite some of my older fics but they're too cringy I simply cannot! and now i can't think of anything i want to write bc i wrote something small and i was like. ok this sucks. and i've just been feeling demotivated. i don't kno but hat i do kno IS THAT MY DOUBLE U KEY BETTER START FUCKING ORKING SOMETIME SOON BECAUSE I'VE DONE EVERYTHING I CAN TO FIX IT AND IT'S STILL NOT ORKING UNLESS I SMASH IT AND PRESS DON HARD ENOUGH AND i just need a new computer. but those are expensive. hoping my first paycheck will be able to pay for a good one... maybe!!!!!!!!!!!!!
