A class I'm taking this semester is all about fiction-writing and writing and writing fiction, right, and I don't WANT to write fake real stories. I had an idea about writing a sequel to a story I wrote a while ago where Alfred Hitchcock was locked in Del Taco and a magical gnome came to save him. I don't want to write about like... idk, some person going through teenhood. I went through that. I don't want to do that. I want to write stories that make people happy and I don't necessarily have any deeper reasons than that, yanno?!

I DON'T WANNA WRITE REALISM!!! I DON'T WANNA I DON'T WANNA I DON'T WANNA! GAAAH!

if there's a genre of game i like, the warriors games definitely ain't it. but, like, it's been fine so far i guess?????

i'm playing golden wildfire first. i got told that scarlet blaze was not a good choice to do next but i might do it anyway. i'm not very far into the GW route anyway but like... it's fine? i guess? i'm liking the gameplay a lot more than i thought I would, but idk. like, the battle for the bridge should have been waaay harder - spoiler alert, the adrestian empire takes myrddin and it's like... i got an s on that mission. i could have fought ferdinand and won. but NOooOOoOOoOO.

it's fine so far. i don't really like the midskip designs but i can play as hilda so i can't complain too much. i mean, i can, but for like 25 bucks i think it's definitely a game to play!!

So your world has rent itself in two.
And your heart can hardly dare to be bright; the
Meatiness of your heart is turning blue--
"God, why me?"

Oh, the world is ending the
Infinite sky seems so small and glazed
Now that he's taken away the key
So now your mind is rusted-over and shackled--

Sometimes you'll remember the praised
Admiration left upon your skin
Days you once would be left amazed
Can no longer be battled

Right - my sonnet is meant to be a check-in
Yet, I think you always knew.

 i hurt myself going down the stairs today. a bunch of people i barely knew rushed to help me. they tried to flag down security for me because i could barely walk. and i am so grateful to the acquaintances i have because they all said "well you have us on [insert social media here] so just text us there and we'll come help!" of course the gesture is so appreciated. 

and at dinner three of my friends helped hobble me back to my dorm and i felt so loved. and halfway there some of my RAs saw me hobbling and they felt massive pity for me. the athletic one even came by my room later and let me borrow two ice packs. and after that some of my other friends came up to my dorm room with snacks and blankies and ice to help me recover and told me very sternly I was to NOT go to class. they're also bringing me breakfast tomorrow from the dining hall. i just feel so appreciative of my friends and i love them all so very much because even if some of them are in other dorm halls (and can't get into my dorm bc it's carded) the fact they went out of their way to help me made me feel so very loved and appreciated. i am so happy i live in a community where i can not only be myself, but have caring people come to help me. yay!!! i hope that i can help someone else just like all of my friends have. karma or something; i gotta keep it clean!!

i got offered to "speak to someone" at a school. education is my major so i'm kind of excited but also soo nervous.

i don't want to work around little kids but i neeeeeed the money. so i'll suck it up and i mean little kids aren't that bad anyway. i already have questions planned i think and i hope i'll be able to come up with good answers on the fly but the worst part is GOING IN to the interview and im not talking about "hey how do you pronounce your name haha? aaah well my name is so and so" i'm talking about this part. where i'm going to have to walk into a school and tell the front desk lady (who probably DOES NOT KNOW I'M COMING) "hey um excuse me is [X] here? i'm here for an interview!"

how do i phrase that professionally? i'm so nervous about that part. and all schools in the city are locked so i have to buzz in which is soo awkward. i'm not very good at hearing with intercoms so i really hope i can come talk to the desk lady face-to-face.

why is it always a desk lady btw?

ugh i'm soooo nervous!!! it's next thursday at 1:30 after my classes. the fact i don't have a driver's license is also worrying but i really hope it won't be that big of a deal. i hope.

i think my tax returns will go to summer teachery-clothes. especially looser pants and skirts and stuff so that way i can run around and jump. i really want to jump rope but i'm only good at jumping rope if two people are holding it. (it's also been a decade since i've jumped rope so who knows)

ETA: my hair is rainbow. I forgot about that. I'm going to have to dye it a normal color and I'm not looking forward to it :(

...but it's kind of fun when i don't look at all of the problems.

i'm playing a romhack of fe8; the princess' lament. nothing has changed so far but i'm rockin with seth's PRF and the fact franz has a light brand. was that in the og? probably not. i'm having fun with it anyhow and getting all giddy and shit when valter shows up as usual etc etc

but i really don't like fe8. like, i'm a hater and an elitist about fire emblem in general but i'm not going to shit on your favorite game if it's your favorite game. but i really am not a fan of most of the characters and god i hate lyon. he's not even a bad character i think it's just out of spite because everyone is like AWAWAWA MY WIDDLE BLORBO etc etc and that stuff makes me roll my eyes... so by association i spose? but i don't have to have a reason to hate on a character.

and as much as i talk about elitism (or at least think about it IRL) i really am not very good at fire emblem. like sure i did my fe11 hard 5 ironman, but it took me like four dozen runs to get one where it was passable (and even then most of my characters died early on); i've played fe15 so many times with different challenge runs, fe3h maddening mode was frustrating but every time i did a map it felt good (still have not finished it... one day i will (no i won't)). but like. strategy games *are* hard. i literally don't blame anyone for complaining about ts because it takes a lot of resets for a great run.

but like it's sooo frustrating when people won't even try to play it because it's tooooo hard. i'm a very big fan of play the game how you want to. i absolutely love turning on the infinite money and exp cheats in fire emblem to see my characters hit things really hard. i love putting on infinite hp if one of my characters keeps dying but infinite hp will let me play the last turn to beat the map. in other games too i LOVE one-hit ko, no encounters in jrpgs. like. i love cheating. but when people complain about the game being too hard and giving up like. i feel like there are other options!!!

so YEAH. i love cheating!!!!!!!!! and fe is infinitely more fun when your favorite glass cannons aren't dying every turn and you don't have to reset 1000000 times over. i love cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

had a meeting with my academic advisor who CHOSE to pick me up. felt so heartwarmed and he asked me if i do a lot of writing. i said i did, and i write silly stories to make my friends laugh. because i do. but here's a stream-of-consciousness vignette about the coffee shop i'm sitting in:

My name's not Sam. It's got none of the letters in Sam, but that's the name I tell the nice lady with the shiny nose ring. She gives me my Large London Fog and says she likes my pants, and I wonder if she's a purveyor of pants or she just saw me swaying waiting near the bar for her to crumple up my receipt and say "Sam" like she thinks that's my name. I showed her my ID with my full name on it for the discount. The military people here get a discount too - the old lady that said "excuse me" and just walked in for the fourth time now, hustling like the next moment she'll keel. Does she miss her husband, the one that's sitting with the baseball cap, wrinkled lips wrapped around the plastic lid SLURRRRPING up his coffee? I only say it like that because he's watching a video without headphones. Not loud enough for me to hear. Just loud enough to be obnoxious. But why else would I be in a coffeeshop?

Someone's meeting a friend. Someone's studying. Someone's having a conversation about non-profits, AND STOP HOVERING OVER ME GOSH DARN IT, just obnoxious enough to be offensive with the pretty braids and the rushed little trot - she's not conversing at all, but the overworked mom mumbling "oh, it is?" to her daughter's question worked too long. It's only Thursday. One more day, then one more week, and she can't catch a break just like the hustler rushing by. Nothing's going to disappear that long - just the booth that they claimed, hot commodities for the folk young and old. Sipping their coffee, saying it's hot hot hot - well, they steam the milk so hot it burns if you drink it too fast. Some people

need to learn

the art

of

patience.

tbh i forgot dreamwidth existed!!! hi guaiz!!!! i've been so busy with irl stuff but i'm procrastinating. i have an essay i have to write. i have a quiz i need to do. but instead i'm thinking about my 100 ship challenge.... and how tough it is to think of 100 ships i like. 

like. i don't want to use my favorite guy for every single ship. the final fantasy 2 fans can only tolerate me writing the same thing over and over for so many times, yanno? but simultaneously i'm scratching my head for some of these ships!!! i have all of the prompts technically filled out but some of them i don't want to write at all, but i don't want to write *just* FF/FE for all of them. and i guess i've written xenogears for it, guess i've written other fandoms for it, but like. some of the ships on my list i don't have my heart in. yanno? and like 100 ships is a lot. i don't have an otp or anything like that and i'm just trying not to do the same thing over and over again. working on one for a fandom that i thought would have this ship considering it's the main character/main antagonist, but it's also a rare game and F/F so probably not the most. uh. what's the word. popular? liked? i'm not sure. and there's another fandom i'll probably be the 4th fic writer for! technically third writer on the entire english-speaking internet (not sure about jp fansites or anything like that), but two are on ffn and the other is porn on ao3. which, you know, whatevs. good for them! i was going to be the first but i just never got around to writing fic for it when i played the game. i'm very excited to be the third person!

i'm also both trying to do stuff with said fics. ships i haven't written in years, ships i like but have never written for before, ships i don't like in the slightest but can totally understand the chemistry for. trying to do a healthy mix of romantic and platonic but ofc. more are romantic and i think that's just how the cookie crumbles. but plotwise too. ones that are goofy, ones that are lewd, ones that are just fluffy, ones that end on kind of an ??? note. i'm not very good at explaining anything at all but i just hope the gist of what i'm gesturing to when i'm writing fics comes across sometimes. but once you publish something it's up to interpretation. i know i'll never be popular (because reader-inserts are NEVER popular, especially on ao3 where YA fic and/or porn is the norm (at least in the fandoms i see) and it's seen as both childish and cringy) but that's fine with me! i think reader-inserts are just so fun to write. because y/n is clearly an oc. y/n isn't based off of me, but y/n is definitely me. but she's not me at all! and i think the more shitty my y/n is, the more indulgent it is, and all i really want is people to get a little eyeroll when it's cringy and do a little nose exhale when it's funny. because as a writer in general i would never want the emotion derived from a story to be apathy. hate or love or something in-between!!! that's when i think a writer's done a good job. except if the emotion i feel is confusion.

alas, most fic i read is very... not my thing. like of course i'll read a fic and sometimes ill be like OMG!!! or oooooh. or... eh.... or BLAEGH.... but the ones i just go "................." at are the most boring milquetoast BORING BORING DULL DROLL LAME stories ever. and those are the ones with the hits, with the kudos, with the comments that are like OMG THAT WAS SO GOOD and 12 paragraphs of why it was so good quoting specific lines. and it's just like. what? they are lame. it is person A and B talking sometimes. maybe doing the doodlywoo and it's vanilla and the most that'll happen is dirty talk which makes me cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe. sometimes there are some stakes behind it. but it's just like. the characters are ooc and THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT. and i know the fic i write is inherently ooc. i'm not very good at keeping characters in-character. i know you can replace a name with any other name and it'd be the same story. BUT COME ON PEOPLE COMMENTING HOW THE FIC IS SOOOO GOOOD AND YOU CAN HEAR THE CHARACTERS WHEN THEY'RE THAT OOC?!?!!? i'm not targeting anyone in specific but geez louise!!! 

anyway........ 

maybe i should go back to wattpad or something. write an adopted by one direction fanfic. i don't know. 

but my main goal for the rest of the year is to write more ships. i doubt i'll finish 100 but eventually i might. then work on the nagamas prompts i was given, which, btw, two of the games featured i asked not to write for but there are three other prompts so whatever. i don't particularly like the characters but i'll do my best because the worst thing i could do is make it lame. fake it 'til i make it!!!! and i also want to work on an ulki/reader ive been trying to write because i have a janaff/reader and a janaff/reader/ulki but not ulki himself. and that simply must be rectified. and then also i've been trying to work on the last porn fic for the nordion vampire shenanigans with ares but i'm having a hard time making it not as ooc as the rest of my ares fic. my problem is that i don't like lene. i prefer laylea in every way and i just think she's way prettier. but laylea is the same as lene basically but i don't like lene and i don't know how to incorporate lene, an integral part of ares' character, into a fic about y/n. and then also i have specific kinks i want to work into the porn and i just don't know how to make what is literally going to be missionary vanilla sex sexy but also kinda ???? because y/n didn't want to be in nordion anyway, but she doesn't have an option and ares is supposed to love her a lot but ares actually loves lene in canon and i've gotten away with it thus far but i can't with the porn. i've written it like 12 times and I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT. so anyway i might just write a threesome between y/n and ares and seliph even if i don't like ares/seliph all that much... or sexy vanilla missionary in belhalla with king seliph as some other supernatural creature? or maybe another vampire, fuck it, i don't give a shit. and then i also want to finish more jugdral fics for the. for the thing, but my doc is on my other laptop so that's a problem for future me. and then i also want to write an ff4 fic i've been wanting to write about for a hot minute about cecil and golbez going around doing dreamy shenanigans. but i don't know how to make it full of whimsy but also have that desperate tang to it. you know? so i'll chew on the idea for a while. and then i also want to rewrite my dissidia fic that's called "kuja gets pet" and it's an entire anthology of kuja from ffix getting pet by hot sexy antags from dissidia because it brings me so much joy to have him simultaneously whumped and pampered. anyway............ if you have ships you want featured for 100 ships let me kno because i'll replace a good portion of my meh ships with something better if i can. but a good portion of the good ships i would write for are already on there. but i don't know. 

have a moment to sit down. it feels like i don't have any time to sit down without doing something else. i have a moment to myself. i should study or something but i'd really rather write fanfiction but i don't have any idea. isn't that how it be? yesterday a friend and i went to have a "mental health smoothie." was it expensive? yeah. but it was tasty and made me feel a little better. today it has been very stressful for no good reason!!!!!! first of all, i had a lab today. labs make me angry. especially because i'm taking ASL and i just don't think it's very good to have a four hour class and meet four times a week. Also, our professor doesn't even teach!!! It doesn't even feel like I'm being supplemented with good stuff because everyone else is inept. How are they going to be interpreters like this?!? I'm not even doing interpreting and I feel like I'm more fluent!!! WHAT THE HECK?!??!?!??!?! I should probably apologize to everyone. I've been a terrible person to my IRLs. I keep complaining. When I apologize, it doesn't feel real. What can I do to apologize but in a roundabout way? Give them stuff? Make them cute little handmade cards? ...actually. ACTUALLY, that's a great idea!! I can do just that!

Anyway: voting is today. For student council, I mean. My friend who is running for President made me plan an insurrection with her, so we're planning to Whoopee Cushion her if the person she doesn't like wins. Honestly, I don't know what to think. There are three candidates running for President: My friend, Ms. Perfect, and Mr. Cool Guy.
Ms. Perfect is, as we all can garner from her title, perfect. She's making cute little infographics on Canva to post on her IG, talking about how she wants to "build community," and make everyone feel like they belong. Okay, was that not the three weeks of orientation we went through?! I feel like it was exactly that! I've heard mixed things about her; some say she's supportive and that she WILL be a good leader, others say she talks smack behind other people's backs and stirs up drama. I don't believe either, only because she hasn't attended a single meeting for the student council even though everyone can. Have some initiative, you know? 
My friend... to be honest, I don't think she'll do shit when she's in there. I know it's bad to say about your friend! If she loses, she'll say it was for the bit. I don't think she's committed to being a part of student council, I don't think she wants the work, and she most definitely does not care about the different groups around campus like Ms. Perfect claims to. 
Mr. Cool Guy is just cool. That's who he is. People around him go, "HEY, Mr. Cool Guy!" and he always greets them by name back. But honestly he doesn't know who I am, and that's okay, even if I'm running against his best friend or whatever. He handed out free cookies as a campaign, and he's been doing pretty well social media wise. Between you and me, I want him to win. I think he has the charisma. I think he's able to relate to the 'common man,' of this college far more than Ms. Perfect or my friend ever would. Between you and me, I hope he wins. 

I'm running against his best friend as VP. I don't know whether or not I want VP. I was peer pressured into it, and my other two friends are pretty much shoe-ins for what they want to do (on the form, one of my friends was the ONLY one who ran for a specific place. he's going to get it, lol...). I have one person as my competition. I don't know anything about him except the fact he's kinda cute. Like, I think we were disadvantageous in how we campaigned: we were just the Best Friend of the whole operation! We didn't really do anything except hang out with our respective friend. I don't know what he values. Though, the pamphlet we painstakingly made wasn't printed out nor posted anywhere either... where it has my philosophy of, "i want to make everyone happy." I have things I think I can do to make things better, but, like, if I don't get a position it's whatevs, you know? 

Okay. I'm going to go... do something else, I guess. Bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 bibdeo games.

ok honestly i just have nothing to do and i need something to do. i want to read ao3 fic but it's down rn. i'm writing part 2 to a fic i want to write a part 2 to... but i don't know if i'll publish it? but i want to get the consensus of what this thing is talked about as in fanon and to do that. i need ao3. so i'm going to talk about video games for a hot second instead. 

i loooove video games but i feel like i'm exhausting the ones i want to play. like i LOOOOVE jrpgs but after playing almost every final fantasy and then branching out from there... like, what am i to do now? i want there to be more retro jrpgs for me to play. kingdom hearts is the next one on my list to play - OH, BUT I DON'T HAVE MY COMPUTER YET BECAUSE MY CARD GOT CHARGED AS FRAUD. I CALLED MY BANK AND I HEAR THE LADY GO "-OH, UHHH, HANG ON... UH... I THINK I CANCELLED YOUR CARD?" AND I SAID "OH NO!" INSTEAD OF "BITCH WHAT THE FUCK!" i had a nice cry after though. so kingdom hearts is on hold until i can get my card from the bank in a couple hours and then buy the laptop and have it shipped to me and then KH. 

but i've been trying to branch out to other games too. like... it's not going very well i think. i tried playing terranigma for the snes which is quite fun actually! but my computer is overheating like hell. i just need a new computer y'all. but i'm going to try to play rune factory 4 on the 3ds. i'm not a fan of "life sims" - like animal crossing new leaf i liked because my best friend and i have played it for years together but like. i'm impatient for the real-time stuff and then i've never played stardew valley or anything like that but it just seems so... i don't know. something about it irks me. but rune factory i think i might be able to play. i don't mind gameplay loops but it just depends on the gameplay loop. like etrian odyssey i liked and obviously i have spent thousands of hours in jrpgs pressing buttons i like that kind of gameplay loop. but i don't want to spend my time FARMING in a game. but with rune factory i will!!!

there's one game published by the same company that did rune factory and the game is called "lord of magna: maiden heaven". it's tropey as hell but i miss it so much. i loved playing it but i lost the cartridge a long while ago :/ my brother bought it for christmas for me (even if i wanted project mirai DX smh) and gosh. it's not a very good story but it did awaken me to some things. but not many things i admit online so it's ok.

i just wish i had more time to game and a better computer that didn't implode trying to do anything. like i love video games sooo much. but i just feel like i can't sink a week into a 60+ hour long journey like i used to be able to. i have to take breaks. i think the last time i completed a game in a short amount of time was xbc3 in like... 80 hours? in the span of 2 1/2 weeks? something like that. but i was doing tons of side content too so i don't know. i just wish i could go back in time and play ffix and revel in the beauty of it, play ffv without knowing what happens and LMAOing at exdeath and ghido, go back in time and play pokemon emerald for the first time pirating off of some sketchy website. now that i think about it pokemon emerald was probably the first game i completed. i guess i have pokemon to thank for making me who i am because i met all of my friends through pokemon who introduced me to other jrpgs and games i enjoy. so i don't know.

i think my favorite game of all time is kid icarus: uprising. it's such a good game. it's funny and i always smile at the quips. plus the gameplay is fire. i also like fe15. speaking of fire emblem remakes though i don't think i would want a remake of fe4. if i have to be honest it's because i don't like the fans of 3 houses and i don't want the little kids to circlejerk about fe4 the same way. also the incest would probably be a no-no in north america but hey. who knows. i also wish that fire emblem stopped it with the insert-protags. the only one i like is kris because they're both cute. i don't like robin i don't like corrin i don't like byleth i don't like alear!!!!!!!! QUIT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN'T I JUST HAVE MY BLUE-HAIRED LORD AND NOT SOME OMNIPOTENT AMNESIAC WITH PLOT ARMOR?!? I'M SO SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!! but kris can stay specifically female kris with the wrys haircut because she :) jkjk. but for real. i would want an fe4 remake to have an annoying as hell insert or NOTHING!!! I DON'T WANT IT REMADE!!! REMAKE FE6 THAT GAME COULD USE IT!!!! REMAKE FE6!!!!! I NEED ROY AND ALL OF MY OTHER FAVS LIKE LALUM AND CATH AND PERCEVAL <3 AND RUTGEERRRRR AND KLEIN AND ZEPHIEL AND MURDOCK AND SAUL AND BRUNYA AND THANY AND ALL OF THEM OK!?!? OK!!!!!!!!!! 

i wish i could reexperience final fantasy again. now that i'm thinking about it. i wish i could play ffiv again and squeal and giggle at everything kain highwind does. i wish i could replay dissidia 012 and see all of those cutscenes and lose myself in the battles... hours and hours and hours of playing... i need like 2 more achievements before i've 100%'d the game but. laptop shite. you surely understand!!! i don't cry at video games but i did shed a tear or two during ffix. but i cried at nier automata not because it was sad but that whole section of 2B glitching pissed me off so greatly and i kept dying and running out of time. hate that game because of it. but i'll play nier replicant when i get the chance probably. but after KH.... because i want to play KH first and get in on what y'all are talking about with the. the twenty blond guys. from what little i know i like ienzo... if that's his name. the doctor-lookin' guy? it's cause he's a doctor is why i like him.