(my w key is broken so sorry if there are any typos)

i dont know. like ive written a lot. obviously. but i'm just struggling writing as of rn. like my life is hectic and writing is my hobby but i realize how much of a NEET i am... like i have a job. that's good. i'm going to school in the fall. that's good. but i've just always felt behind in life. i guess i'm smart. my college gave me a placement test for english and i got placed in the hardest class they offer but i just don't know why i should bother because i don't like writing expository/argumentative essays and i'd rather just twiddle my silly little thumbs and write silly little fics. i'm not very good at talking to other people because i've always been ignored in the first place and like. i don't know, i've always been "that kid". even at work i was looking at the schedule and even the new person who joined the same day as me is on the online schedule but i'm not and it just feels kind of silly. like i'm an afterthought? even in school i was never much of a talker and i had like 2 friends and that's ok, you know? i'm just so nervous because i dont think i'll be able to afford what i need for college and because of my job i wont get a lot of financial aid next year. that is if i even make it through this year! i want to do something worthwhile but i just feel too stupid to do much of anything. all of my friends think of me as that one person who writes weird fic and plays video games and like. that's just all there is to my personality. i'm not anything interesting.

today i have to wake up at 10 to have an appointment with my "academic advisor" to choose my classes and then at 2 i have to go to work for a "mandatory meeting" where we're gonna learn how to check vitals. the thing is that we work in HEALTHCARE so we SHOULD KNOW THAT but we're getting paid for it so who fuckin cares. at least that will distract me!

ok now to write about my writing some more. i just feel like. i don't know. i haven't had any epiphanies over what i want to write. i've never been a "jot down my ideas" type of person, but i tried to jot down my ideas and now i'm looking at them it just feels blagh. like ok i can totally write this fic about a time loop but i don't want to because i wrote it and now i know how it's going to end. or this one doesn't have an ending yet but from this idea i can tell it's going to be boring. i want to write a fic for a friend but i just feel like he wouldn't appreciate it because i've just received lukewarm responses and like... he says he likes my writing but how much does he REALLY like it...? it's hard for me to do trades or anything because i feel like my writing is far less than anyone else's i know my fics are never going to be popular because it takes a miracle for that and the type of fics i write... aren't that. it's not a numbers game to me, i write for myself, but i just don't think i write enough things that interest other people as well (my subscribers waking up "oh... another reader-insert with this absolute nobody of a character... when is circle_bircle gonna write another kefka/reader fic" i want to write for other people but i don't think it's even anxiety writing for other people i just genuinely think nobody's interested. because im online and i see like this absolute beautiful write-up for a character and im like. Oh. my love is never gonna reach that point lol!! maybe it's because i'm bad at reading between the lines though but i'll never be the #1 fan of any of my favs

i want to write different things but i just can't make myself. like i've wanted to write about some of my favorite games for years now but i've never done it because every attempt i've had is bad (and i've had a LOT of attempts). and i want to stray away from reader-inserts for a while but i just feel like i've made that my brand and when i open up gdocs im like HOHO who can my reader insert oc smash faces with this time? but simultaneously i want to rewrite some of my older fics but they're too cringy I simply cannot! and now i can't think of anything i want to write bc i wrote something small and i was like. ok this sucks. and i've just been feeling demotivated. i don't kno but hat i do kno IS THAT MY DOUBLE U KEY BETTER START FUCKING ORKING SOMETIME SOON BECAUSE I'VE DONE EVERYTHING I CAN TO FIX IT AND IT'S STILL NOT ORKING UNLESS I SMASH IT AND PRESS DON HARD ENOUGH AND i just need a new computer. but those are expensive. hoping my first paycheck will be able to pay for a good one... maybe!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on saturday i went to a thing. but im not a member of the thing. but i'm an honorary member. but today i. i dont know. ive been in a writing slump so if you see anoned works in the tags i frequent sorry. maybe i'll upload some old old things. probably not. i dont know. bye

 THAT TOOK LIKE ONE MINUTE???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

opposites
 
I hear the red sky. 
looking down to the clouds
I close my eyes and see
inside of myself, I am not me. 

I say my thoughts
the cliff amidst the plains
whispering a scream
the silence echoes in the rain

falling up into the ground
the cacophony before the storm
lies are acceptable
but the truth is to be performed. 

I gloat humility
and fake sincerity.

 i should write one of those "seven minutes in heaven" fics that were popular on quotev/wattpad. and make it the cringiest thing someone has read. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........

i love perceval from fire emblem 6 the binding blade because he is so cool. first of all he's a good unit. i like it when i can just give him a weapon and he goes BHELGJKKDJKHJ on the enemy and then he defeats everything and then what is also cool about him is that he supports both lalum and elffin because htat is very cool so you can choose whichever route you want to do and then you can support them and also he supports klein and archers are kinda cruddy in the gba games but klein is cool because he's very cute and i also want to smooch him on the face but not as much as i want to smooch perceval!!!!! and what else is cool about him is that he's very stoic-faced JUST LIKE ME. we're soulmates and the wedding will be on valentine's day.

(please do not marry fictional characters)

 tl;dr BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

i finished thracia 776 approximately three minutes ago so i'm going to word vomit about it. WOOOOW. What a game! WHAT A GAME! spoilers bee-tee-dubs. i'll make a little readmore thing if I can figure out which button does that. Hang on. Wait. I did it I think. I'll edit it if I didn't actually do it. Or maybe I won't.

( did this work )
 tl;dr fergus :)

 currently it's 9:55 a.m. but I'm home today... i'm playing fire emblem... and yeah................. i was called a 'square' but i don't care, i think it's fair that i'm a square. teehee! 

i had lots of nightmares last night. in one of them there was this nasty demon who was fat and ripped at the same time and i was living with him and he kept yelling and yelling and yelling and threatened to kill me if i left the house. i left the house to find a watch that i lost except when i looked back up he was storming up to me and he. um. yeah. and i begged my mom who was also there apparently to help me but my momma did not come to help me. i woke up and cried. and i had another dream where i was just wandering around and trying to find something and i was on trains and it was very busy and there was also a time limit and i ended up back in the first dream again with the demon guy... but i don't remember what happened at least.

today is a day for snuggling my friends and getting rest with hopefully good dreams this time. and playing fire emblem. and also working still because even if i'm not there... i'm 'dependable' apparently. and also a square

 tee-hee. 1/23/23!!!

today was a good day. i felt like i did good. i miss the fourth graders i used to teach but now i don't think it's that bad. but today i was supposed to meet up with someone and instead of showing up they plonked their butt at a seat and definitely didn't see me so i'm going to have to write a strongly-worded email about COMMITMENT and being a TEAM-PLAYER because someone thought i wasn't going to care that there should have been two people at this table instead of ONE. i'm definitely that person that just talks during work meetings but instead of anything fruitful i'm telling my favorite joke over and over. i always get some giggles with my horse jokes. 

speaking of here's a joke that i always tell to my friends at the ice cream store: what do they call training for dairy queen (or any ice cream shop) workers? sundae school! tee-hee! there's this pretty girl at the ice cream store and her name is kate and she's just so pretty. one time i blew a kiss to her and i thought she wouldn't care but my other friend who works there was like 'no yeah she really appreciated it' so maybe i should just blow kisses to more people out there! the world needs love. if you can show that love to the smallest ant and the tallest tall person... it would make me happy if you did that.

i think our world nowadays is too negative. like all you hear is people whining and complaining and the self-deprecating humor we have isn't very funny either. nobody laughs when someone says "i want to kms" instead they're dead-faced because... what, are you gonna do it? or are you just trying to be funny and trying to cope? if that's your method of coping i want to tell you to find a new method. it's unhealthy and you're worth more than your lifeless corpse. i complain a lot but i also know that life is a sine wave and whenever you're feelin down in the dumps it'll get better. i'm not a therapist so don't use my one paragraph explanation for helping yourself but yeah. i think if you've gotten this far in reading this stupid diary entry one person is going to see ever (me and maybe you), you're really special! i held your attention for like 2 minutes. maybe you're just skimming. that's what i do too sometimes. 

life always has things in it that are worthwhile. trees to look at. bugs to look at. media to look at. food to look at (and eat). if you can find beauty in the looking i think you can find more to appreciate about it too

ok i'm done talking

 hello viewer of circle-bircle.dreamwidth.org. i am playing fire emblem 5: thracia 776. i have played this game before but i've only ever gotten to chapter 4x but leif was stuck in a wall and could not leave so i was softlocked. thankfully i am on chapter 4x now and he is not in a wall (at least, i do not believe he is in a wall but i ahvent actually started the chapter). i like lithis. lifis. i always say lithis. it's kind of like me with the binding blade names i use the translated ones and not the localized ones. thany ftw. anyway this game isn't that hard so far. i havent had any trouble with staff users missing mostly because i have only had 1 healer thus far and vulneraries to carry me. but maybe later on

ummmm yeah i forgot why i started to write this. i guess i'll let you guys no whether or not my fire emblem 5 is bugged 

no he's in the right spot this time. off to play i guess